By Marlene Jackson, MEd, MTA

Bereavement Coordinator, Greystone Bereavement Centre

This is a difficult question to answer, because there is no set time for grieving. In many ways, you will possibly grieve your wife for the rest of your life, but usually the intensity of those feelings begins to subside over time. For most people, the first year following a death loss is difficult. There are many firsts to get through - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special events to name a few. For many people, the second year is also difficult, as the reality of the death loss has begun to set in. Over time, you should find that your feelings of sadness begin to be less intense and all-consuming. If this isn't the case, please speak to your doctor or a counsellor about your concerns.

This is completely normal behaviour for a child. Children seem to instinctively grieve in doses. They seem to have a natural ability to almost turn their grief on and off. They also learn and process their world and surroundings through play. You may find that your children begin to act out scenes at the hospital or from the funeral in their play. This too is completely normal. Allow them to ask questions and provide times for them to get their sadness out. Let them know its okay to cry or be angry and give them safe ways to express their emotions. Also, don't be afraid to show your emotions in front of your child. By crying in their presence, you're demonstrating that it's okay to cry when you're sad and you're letting them know that you're grieving too.

This is completely normal. Grief affects us on every level - emotionally, physically, socially, cognitively and spiritually. Part of what this means is that cognitively, your ability to focus on a task at hand is going to be difficult for some time. Much of your thought-processes are consumed right now with grieving and just surviving day to day. You may find too that your short term memory is not as good as it once was; this, too, is very normal. Some strategies that have worked for other people  are to write lists about tasks that need attending to; keep a calendar by the phone, so you can jot down dates of appointments and important meetings; and if your work environment allows, take short breaks throughout the day - even a two minute walk down the hall way can help you clear your mind and refocus on your current task. With time, you should begin to notice you can focus for longer periods of time, and you may find you're able to get through an entire article in a newspaper or magazine. Eventually you will be able to read a whole book again.

This is a difficult situation for many families. Death alone is a hard enough topic for most people, and suicide is that much harder to talk about because there is often shame or guilt attached to the death. As hard as it is, we recommend you be as honest as you can, at an age-appropriate level with your children. Follow their lead. If they have questions, answer them. By not being honest, you set up a pattern for dishonesty and poor communication within your family. Chances are, they have overheard conversations about the death and will have some idea that it wasn't a natural death. If you choose not to tell them now, and they discover the truth in the future, not only will they have to re-grieve the death loss in light of the new information, but they may hold resentment towards you for not being truthful. A good resource online to help you start these difficult conversations can be found at:

http://nalag.org.au:8091/pubs/Supporting_Children_After_Suicide_Booklet.pdf

It's very difficult to see someone we love suffer and be in pain. It is natural to be relieved that they are no longer suffering once they have died. Try not to feel guilty for those feelings.

Sleeping disturbances are common during a time of grieving. Many people have difficulty falling and staying asleep. And of course it's difficult to function during the day when you're not sleeping at night. A few suggestions that have been helpful for others are:

• Try to go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day

• Darken your room and have it fairly cool (but not cold)

• Try a glass of warm milk or a banana before you go to sleep. Both have sleep-inducing qualities.

• Try to find some time each day for moderate exercise. Even a 20-minute walk may help with your sleep patterns. Try not to exercise too close to bed time though.

• Before going to sleep, try to read something light, do a cross word puzzle or listen to a book on tape. Try to avoid TV or the computer right before bed as it can be too stimulating.

• If you haven't fallen asleep within 20 minutes, get out of bed and try one of the above activities again. Journalling may also help you to clear your mind, if you find that you can't turn the negative thoughts off. Take a few minutes to jot down the worries you have and the thoughts that are going through your head. Sometimes just by expressing them by writing them down they become less invasive and consuming.

• If this continues to be a problem, please discuss this with a health care provider or counsellor.

The best thing you can do is to listen without judgment. Allow him or her to express how they feel, and try not to give responses like "They're in a better place", or "God must have needed another angel". These types of comments typically aren't helpful to bereaved parents. Practically, you might offer to care for other children in the home to give your friend some alone time, or you might make a meal for their family, or offer to do errands or cut the lawn. Sometimes bereaved parents have no energy for these day-to-day tasks that need doing.

It's very difficult, if not impossible, to force someone to attend counselling against their will. If your mom is not open to professional support, she likely wouldn't really engage with the counsellor even if she did attend a session. You might suggest other types of support such as a bereavement support group, or to talk to someone she trusts like a spiritual care provider or elder. You can continue to support your mom too by allowing her to share her feelings and thoughts with you and not to judge how she's feeling. It's okay to give her the contact information in case she changes her mind at some point and decides to contact a counsellor on her own.

With these kinds of symptoms, it's always recommended to see your family doctor just to rule out anything medical. If you have done that, and the symptoms continue, know that these can be part of a normal grief experience. For many people, the symptoms of grief are very similar to a panic attack. Shortness of breath, feeling overwhelmed in large groups or crowds, and difficulty engaging with others are common reactions after the death of a significant person. Sometimes being aware of your breathing can help - we tend to breathe more shallowly when we're panicked. Something like yoga may help you relax. You may strategize to do your shopping early or late in the day to avoid crowds. Talk to your health care provider or counsellor for other suggestions in how to deal with these symptoms.

You're right - some days, just getting out of bed and dressed feel like all you can do when you're bereaved. There are some simple things you might consider doing that could help you work through the pain of your loss. Here are some examples:

• Journaling - some people find that by writing down what they're feeling, they're able to "get what's inside of them, out", and this can help them cope. By expressing our emotions and thoughts on paper, we sometimes see patterns in our behaviours that aren't as clear prior to writing them down. Journalling also gives you a marker of where you've come from. Three months from now, when you're not sure if you're doing better or worse, you will be able to read passages you've written in the past and it will give you a better sense of how you're progressing.

• Letter writing - some people find writing a letter to the deceased to be a helpful tool to express unsaid words. This can be a very powerful tool. You may choose to take the letter to the cemetery to read out loud to your family member, or you may choose to have a "burden burning" where you burn the letter and let the smoke carry the messages away for you.

• Reading - The Greystone Bereavement Centre has an extensive lending library and you're welcome to borrow books on the topics of grief and loss. Sometimes reading about how others have coped helps normalize your experience. Often books give you suggestions on how to cope that you hadn't thought of previously. Sometimes they just help you process your loss.

• Exercise - try and find some time each day for exercise, even if it's just a 20 minute walk. It will help you physically and emotionally.

• Connecting with friends and family - sometimes it's easy to "cocoon" and withdraw from family and friends. You may not feel like you have the energy to be around others. It's okay and fine to spend time on your own, but try and make time often to be around others who are nurturing and supportive. Try and talk a bit about how you're really feeling. Let them know what they could do to help you through this difficult time. Now is not a time to be independent - don't be afraid to lean on others.

• Talk with a counsellor - The Greystone Bereavement Centre has counsellors available to help you process your grief. Call and make an appointment if you feel this is something that you'd like to explore

• Attend a support group - The Greystone Bereavement Centre has support groups for various types of losses. Please call the Centre for more information on upcoming groups. Sometimes attending a group allows you to connect with others in a similar situation, which can take away some of the isolation associated with grief.

It's important to reassure your child, without giving her false promises. We know that we all will die one day. Your child is beginning to understand this now too, due to the death of her mom. You might consider telling her that most people live until they are old, but if you were to die before that time, you have a plan in place for her care. Sometimes providing children with what that plan is ("You will live with Aunt Susan and Uncle Derrick") helps reassure them that they won't ever be abandoned. If you don't have a plan in place, now is the time to make one. A counsellor at the Greystone Bereavement Centre can help you work through these difficult decisions.

Understand that it will be some time before your co-worker is performing at their previous level. If there are small tasks you might be able to help her with at this time, to ease her work load somewhat, that would be appropriate to offer as support. Allow her to talk about her daughter when she wants to, but don't push the subject either. Follow her lead. Let her know you're there for her, and that she can talk to you if she's comfortable doing so. You might choose to attend her daughter's service, as an expression of your support, or provide concrete means of support such as a meal for their family, or a gift basket.

The services provided at the Greystone Bereavement Centre are available to all residents of Saskatchewan. If coming to Regina is an option, consider calling us to make an appointment for individual counselling, or to attend one of our support groups. If it is not possible to travel to Regina, consider other options closer to home. Is there a support group offered out of a local funeral home? Does your church provide support to bereaved people? Maybe your spiritual care provider or an elder is someone you could talk to about your grief experience. Perhaps Mental Health Services in your region has counselors available for support. Other options include online support groups such as:

http://www.widownet.org/

Do you have a general question about grief or bereavement that you would like to ask a counsellor? Please email ask.us@rpci.org we will respond to your question as soon as possible. Questions will be updated periodically.

For more specific questions please call (306) 766-6947 to make an appointment with a counsellor.